


The Difference of One and Two

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Fluff, Hand Jobs, M/M, Memories, Rain, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-02-27
Packaged: 2017-12-03 20:14:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/702173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His lips meet mine, the kiss between us almost earth-shattering in its existence…</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Difference of One and Two

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SakuraAme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraAme/gifts).



> Prompt[s]: One night stand turned confession  
> Comments: for sakura_ame from the direngrey_yaoi request thread.  
> Beta Readers: gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: "Meant to be” by Hybrid Minds

Everything around me is a crazy haze of singular moments, passing me by like the flashes of a camera. It’s the light I live by, the day-to-day rush and escape. I feel trapped in a world that should really be the something incredibly more open than it is. I have rules to follow, rules that no one else has to live by, rules that crush my soul into sodden pieces beneath the feet of people who could never understand. The rain splashes down upon the sodden pavement, the world around me blurring into nothing. How can one be so lost in a city such as Tokyo? Thirteen million people and yet, my life stands solidly alone amongst the masses.

The feeling of fingers lightly sliding down my arm brings me back to this place, this time. In this place, I am someone else, another person entirely from the one inside my head. A smile pulls tight across my lips, wisps of my lightly highlighted curls blowing across my face from the light breeze. He smiles at me in return and I absently pretend I was actually going to smoke the cigarette clutched tightly in my fingers.

He laughs at me, taking it from my fingers and tossing it in the garbage bin, telling me it’s sodden and useless. He pulls the pack from my pocket, not a care in the world as he touches me in such a careless fashion, and then pushes another between my lips. His fingers find their way deep in my pocket, searching for my lighter, and then the flame dances to life before my eyes. I have no choice in the matter as I claim this cigarette as my shield, my own personal barrier to hide behind, to keep me from being a fool.

He hands me back the cigarettes and the lighter, leaning against the wall just under the eve of the roof. He’s smarter than I, staying out of the rain. But it strikes me that there’s a reason he’s out here, one he’s yet to speak. I don’t ask. Maybe I don’t want know, maybe I don’t want to let go of this moment as it is now, this pure form of whatever it is between he and I.

His head tilts back and the fog of his breath huffs up into the air, and I know… I know that longing, that desire deep inside him. I’ve ignited a craving in him of the sort I’ve never wanted to. An old habit brought back to the forefront of his mind. As much as I don’t want to pull myself from this moment, I know for his sake, I have to. My cigarette falls to the ground and fizzles out in a puddle. My resolve seems to go with it, and I step into his bubble, my hands hitting the wall on either side of his head. I shouldn’t. I can’t.

But I do. My lips brush his and the last traces of smoke slide from my mouth into his. He doesn’t move, just accepts what I’m doing as if it’s something perfectly normal. It isn’t, but I allow it to be. My mind’s racing ahead of me, my body sluggish with the amber tendrils of fire that I’ve allowed to light my insides tonight. One of my hands seems to follow its own path, sliding from the wall and over his shoulder, then down to his hip. My body presses against his, my every desire written plainly in my actions tonight. Does he know? Can he feel how much of me I’ve invested in this moment?

It hits me like a slap in the face; memories from so many months ago.

_His body moves over mine, sweat gleaming on tanned flesh, impossibly long black hair falling around us as he joins himself with me, time and again. My insides hum with the feeling of heaven-_

I realize I’m clutching onto his shirt like a drowning man clings to a life-preserver. His hand has come to rest on my shoulder and he’s allowing everything I’m doing, not arguing with me in the least. His lips respond to my own, his thumb lightly stroking against an exposed patch of skin at my hip.

_His lips meet mine, the kiss between us almost earth-shattering in its existence. The feeling of his hand moving over my heated flesh gives me that last edge that I need and my body spasms in my release. His gaze finds my own and he holds it as he pushes into me-_

The moment fades out and the present hedges in on me again. He wanted that night, he wanted it as much as I did. I was drunk, but he wasn’t. Not a single drop of alcohol had touched his lips that night. The truth of it weighs on me and I draw back from the kiss, gazing mutely into his eyes.

_My body arches up against his, my hips lifting from the bed as he pushes into me one last time. His back arches, his head thrown back as heaven engulfs him. “Kaoru, I-“ he never finishes the sentence._

I’ve imagined a million and one things that he could have been wanting to tell me. I’ve thought of each one of them on every lonely night I’ve spent in my bed since then. It’s the one thing I want above all else. I want him to finish that sentence in a meaningful way, to tell me he feels the same way I do.

His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, his dark eyes studying my own. There’s a moment in which he looks like he would rather be anywhere else than here and then he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Kaoru, I can’t.”

I don’t even think about what I’m doing, I just react with everything that I am, everything that I have been, everything I will ever be. My hand closes around his shirt, fisting in the material over his heart. “You can. You do. You have to…” He stares at me for a long moment and then I give it my last try, my desperate final words. “I need you to.”

His lips find my own this time and he kisses me in a manner no one else ever has. When he pulls back, he looks almost sad. There’s something final about that expression, like he’s letting go of the last vestiges of the lies he’s surrounded himself with all these years. He doesn’t say it. I don’t honestly think he can. But he takes my hand and leads me away from this building, away from the helpless feeling of being utterly lost and alone. And when his fingers link with my own, I know it’s his promise to never let me go.

As the rain falls around us, I understand, this is how it feels to be two among thirteen million. This is how it feels to truly love.

**The End**


End file.
